The Naughty Step and Why it Doesn’t Work
- Joanne Atkinson
- Apr 5, 2024
- 2 min read
My Problem with Supernanny
Supernanny has a lot to answer for. First aired in 2004, back when most of us picked what we watched from the five free terrestrial channels, around 5 million people watched Supernanny every week.
When I watched it back then, in my 20’s, before having my own children, and with far less experience of the impact of trauma, her methods seemed totally reasonable. Having recently tried to watch an episode for the first time in many years I realised how harmful the messages were and how much my perspective has changed.
The central method of discipline was the naughty step, or sometimes the naughty room, or the naughty chair. But you get the point; the child is naughty, not sad, not distressed, not overwhelmed, they are BAD.
What do you do when your child is sad, distressed, overwhelmed or “naughty”? You put them somewhere on their own, where they must stay until you tell them it is time to leave.
If they leave the designated spot early (probably to try to find you, probably because they are distressed and need your help) they get put back on and the time is reset. And when they finally get to the end of the time you asked them to apologise to you.
It all seems quite brutal to me.
Why It Doesn’t Make Sense
The central idea was that time on the naughty step would give the child space to reflect on their actions. This was method was replicated by well-meaning, caring people all over the world. I remember my daughter and nephew, around 2 and 3 years old at the time, acting out being put in “thinking time”, which was their nursery’s much more kindly-named version. Something began to trigger in me about how odd this all was.
Now I had my own child I was much more in tune with her capacity. I knew that there was absolutely no way that 2 minutes on her own when she was distressed would be spent thinking or reflecting. This idea doesn’t fit in with anything we know about emotional development or the human brain.
So what does help children who are distressed? We are back to the importance of connection and relationship. Leaving your child with their distress at the time when they are most in need of a loving connection is not the answer.
As children get older and can reflect and explain more about their emotions it becomes evident how distressing the loss of control that comes with big emotions is to them.
What message do we give them if at the time they feel most distressed, we tell them they must be alone with that distress?
Remember that while your child’s behaviour is communication, your behaviour toward them is also communication to your child. Always be mindful of the messages you are giving.
Jo Atkinson – NLP4kids Therapist and Parenting Coach
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