Why Today’s Children Don’t Respond to the Same Parenting Techniques as We Did
- Joanne Atkinson
- Aug 20
- 4 min read
You might find yourself thinking, “I’d never have spoken to my parents like that,” or “When I was a child, one look from my mum was enough.” If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many parents I work with are wondering why the parenting techniques that worked in their childhood seem to fall flat with their own kids. The truth is, it’s not that you’re doing anything wrong. It’s that parenting, and children, have changed.
As a parenting coach, I often help parents make sense of this shift. And it’s not just about being more ‘gentle’ or ‘modern’ for the sake of it. It’s about understanding what today’s children actually need in order to feel safe, connected and regulated.
The World Has Changed and So Have Children
The pace of modern life is fast. Today’s children are growing up in a world that’s more stimulating, more demanding, and often more stressful than it was for previous generations. From a young age, they’re exposed to screentime, academic pressure, constant activity, and far less downtime. Their brains are processing more than ours ever had to, and often without the built-in coping strategies that come with age.
This matters because a child who feels overwhelmed is far more likely to struggle with behaviour. If the brain is in survival mode (fight, flight or freeze), it’s not thinking clearly, listening well, or learning from consequences. What looks like defiance might actually be dysregulation.
“Because I Said So” Doesn’t Land the Same Way
Previous generations often leaned heavily on obedience, respect, and fear of consequences. And for many of us, those strategies worked, at least on the surface. But we now know that fear-based approaches can suppress behaviour without actually teaching anything meaningful. Children may comply, but they don’t always develop the skills to manage their emotions or make good choices independently.
Today’s children are often raised with a greater awareness of emotions and mental health. They expect more explanation, more empathy, and more collaboration. While that can feel frustrating when you’re tired or stressed, it’s also an opportunity: a chance to raise children who understand themselves and others more deeply.
The Science Has Moved On
We know much more about the brain now than we did a generation ago. Research in neuroscience and child development shows that emotional regulation is learned through co-regulation, when a calm adult helps a child navigate big feelings.
I studied psychology 20 years ago and the increase in what we know and understand about the brain and behaviour is huge. Obviously as our knowledge has grown we want to apply this to our lives, to make things better for ourselves and our children.
Techniques like shouting, time-outs, or “taking away privileges” don’t tend to teach regulation. While they can be effective in the short time in the long-term they can increase a child’s sense of shame or isolation, which often makes behaviour worse in the long run.
Children need connection, especially when their behaviour is challenging.
That doesn’t mean anything goes. Boundaries are still vital. But boundaries delivered with calm, consistent empathy are far more effective than those enforced with threat or punishment.
Emotional Safety Is Now Non-Negotiable
Children today are more emotionally literate, and more emotionally exposed. Many parents are rightly paying closer attention to things like anxiety, self-esteem, and sensory overwhelm. For children who are neurodivergent, or have experienced trauma, the need for emotional safety is even more pronounced.
Old school parenting methods that focused on compliance can easily backfire when a child’s nervous system is already on high alert. What’s needed instead is a sense of felt safety: the belief that “my parent gets me, even when I’m struggling.”
This is where strategies like connection before correction, naming emotions, and staying calm in the face of dysregulation come in. They’re not about being soft. They’re about helping children get back to a place where learning and listening are even possible.
We’re Parenting for the Future, Not the Past
Ultimately, the goal of parenting has shifted. We’re not just raising children to obey. We’re raising them to cope, connect, and thrive in a complex world.
That means focusing less on short-term control and more on long-term development: helping our children learn how to manage anger, reduce anxiety, bounce back from mistakes, and build strong relationships. These are skills that grow over time, and they grow best in the context of supportive, respectful relationships.
Although parents often tell me they are ok despite the way they were parented the evidence doesn't really back this up. Prescriptions for antidepressants increase every year and the current statatistics so that one in six adults in the UK is taking an antidepressant. This is a parent repeated across Europe and the USA.
If You’re Feeling Stuck… You’re Not Alone
It can be disheartening when the tools you were given don’t seem to work for your child. But it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It just means the landscape has changed.
As a parenting coach, I help parents understand what’s going on beneath the surface of their child’s behaviour, and how to respond in ways that build connection rather than conflict. It’s not about perfection. It’s about learning new tools, being curious, and finding what works for your family.
Jo Atkinson – NLP4kids Therapist and Parenting Coach
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