When The Words Turn Wild: Understanding the Fight–Flight Response in Highly Verbal Children
- Joanne Atkinson
- Nov 21
- 4 min read
It can be confusing when a bright, articulate child suddenly seems to lose control during moments of anger or frustration. Their parents might be used to people praising their child’s maturity when they know that the slightest challenge can set them off kilter and their words turn defensive, argumentative, and often hurtful.
It can be hard to recognise that this child is out of control in the same way that a child who is throwing items across the room or chasing a sibling down is. They will look much calmer and seem more in control. So what is happening here? The answer lies in the brain’s natural survival system; the fight–flight-freeze response. When this system is activated, it doesn’t matter how intelligent or verbal a child is. The thinking part of the brain switches off, and instinct takes over.
1. The brain’s emergency system takes charge
When a child feels threatened, sometimes by something small that you may not fully understand, a tone of voice, a sense of rejection, or even the possibility of failure, their amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) sends an urgent message to the body. Stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol are released, and the prefrontal cortex (the rational, reasoning part of the brain) temporarily shuts down.
This process happens almost instantly and is entirely outside the child’s control. From the outside, it can look like defiance or manipulation. But inside, the child’s nervous system has gone into survival mode.
For a highly verbal child, this can be especially tricky. They might still sound articulate, but their words are being driven by emotion rather than logic. You may hear long, circular arguments or sharp, defensive comments, lots of talking but very little reasoning.
2. Language becomes a survival tool
In calm moments, language helps children connect, problem-solve, and reflect. But during a fight–flight reaction, words often turn into tools for self-protection.
In fight mode, a child may argue endlessly, shout, or use clever phrases to attack or control the conversation.
In flight mode, they might talk quickly, deflect, or use charm to escape the situation.
Parents sometimes interpret this as manipulation, but it’s really the brain using whatever resources it has to regain a sense of safety. For a verbal child, that resource happens to be words.
3. Why reasoning doesn’t work in the heat of the moment
Trying to reason with a child whose survival brain has taken over will usually make things worse. You are just adding to the overwhelm. Even if they sound capable of reasoning, their logical brain is temporarily offline. They’re flooded with emotion and cannot access the part of the brain that processes logic, empathy, or consequences.
Instead of reasoning, focus on calm regulation. Use a soft tone, gentle body language, and few words. Your goal is not to win the argument, but to signal safety so their nervous system can settle.
Once the child is calm, their “thinking brain” will come back online, often with surprising insight. This is the time for reflection, not correction.
4. The aftermath: when self-criticism hits
After an outburst, articulate children often replay what happened in their minds. They may feel deep guilt or shame about what they said. This can lead to a cycle of self-criticism and anxiety.
It’s common for parents to want to resolve and repair by trying to hash out what was said, or to want apologies for the harsh words, but, like any time the child loses control, the behaviour is not the best starting point. Focusing on the specific behaviour just serves to increase shame, which is one of the biggest barriers to change.
Parents can help by normalising the experience. Getting angry is normal, and your child is still learning the skills to cope with it. If we can help children understand that their behaviour was driven by biology, not badness, then they can start thinking about what else they can do and they can see you as an ally rather than the enemy.
5. How to support your child
Reduce verbal load: Keep your words short and calm. The more you talk, the more overwhelmed they’ll feel.
Co-regulate first, discuss later: Wait until everyone is calm before revisiting the situation.
Teach body awareness: Encourage them to notice early signs — tense shoulders, faster speech, or a racing heart — so they can pause before things escalate.
Don’t personalise it: There words are driven by the instinct to protect themselves, they might not even remember them. The more you recognise this the more you will be able to avoid being drawn in by your own need to defend yourself.
Even the most articulate child loses access to reason when their brain feels unsafe. What looks like backchat or defiance is often just a fight–flight response in disguise. With practice, patience, and the right support, parents can learn to respond calmly and help their child build the skills for long-term emotional regulation.
If you’re finding this difficult to manage, please get in touch. Parenting coaching can help you understand the neuroscience behind your child’s behaviour and develop strategies that strengthen calm, connection, and cooperation.
Or if you think you would like some support for your child, either online or in person, please head over to my child therapy website for further details
Jo Atkinson – NLP4kids Therapist and Parenting Coach
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